Losing Baby Oopsy 06/10/2013

Somehow I knew this pregnancy was not going to make it. But it did shake up my world and got me used to the idea of another baby. Being 41, a mother of 3-very well blessed already. Worry from the day I found out, concerned over medication use, then lowering HCG levels. I think I am mostly traumatized by the fact that I had a "complete miscarriage" and that I felt it coming out and caught it, held it, looked at it and mourned all in one instant. The fact that I could see its little body forming and little nubs that would have become arms and legs. I keep picturing it. I keep taking it out of the gold box I have it in, gently place in a bag. Confused not knowing what to do with it. Can't flush it, cant throw it away. That just seems wrong and not worthy of this precious fetus I was dreaming of holding in 30 weeks. So for now its tucked in my top drawer waiting, waiting on me to put it to rest properly, more than likely in my yard under the great fruitless mulberry or perhaps a beautiful flowering plant that will remind me of the brief moment my baby Oopsy was mine.. I know I need to do it soon, I need the closure, I need to stop crying. My eyes can not take anymore, they are almost swollen shut. I have huge fluid-filled bags on my upper lids and under my eyes as well. I am so sad. I am heartbroken. Instead of telling my kids and family we were having a baby, I had to tell them about the loss instead. Had I not they'd surely think my husband has been giving me shiners. Plus I needed the support. Internally Im dealing with my guilt. The should've, could'ves. They can consume your mind and start the tears flowing again. So today I cry. Tomorrow Im hoping for closure. And next month I want to try again, because the one thing Baby Oopsy has taught me is that im not done , I want another baby to love and nurture. For now I grew a sweet angel for a very short time, and God needed him or her for something big. Maybe baby Oopsy is in my beautiful Grandma's arms who I lost exactly one year to my loss. June 10, my angel day. Forever imbedded in my heart. So I picture my Grandmother holding Oopsy, loving and finishing where I left off.        

Making my own laundry soap
So I finally did it. I come across the recipes all the time of people making their own cleaning products. I always thought it would be a hassle, but I finally did it and it was easy and I love the product.